Disasters and growing up and other thoughts…

It was hard to have a real disaster as a kid. Ever think about that? The worst thing that could happen was probably a silly fight with your friend or your sister over something stupid that you’d forget about in a day’s time. You really had to try to have a meltdown. You didn’t worry too much about your future. It was easy to say “I love you.” The biggest decisions demanding your attention were things like chocolate or vanilla? shoes or barefoot? swing or monkey bars? 

Why do I feel that things get so dramatic and terrifying now that I’m older? Do they really, or do I just see things differently now? One decision, it seems, could ruin the rest of my life. Making a mistake now could set me on a course I don’t want to follow or down a road with no way to turn around and go back.

Last week, I moved into an apartment near my school for the summer. It’s just for the summer—I keep having to remind myself of that because it feels like a point of no return. Things will never be the same again. I will finish college (officially) in July, and it will be over. Done. I still don’t know what I’m doing come August. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m dating someone now. I’m three months in to my first “real” relationship. It’s a totally new experience and while I am loving it, it frightens me at the same time. What if I’m making the wrong choice? What if he changes or I change? Or what if neither of us changes? Can I live with this quirk? What if he decides he doesn’t want me like the others didn’t want me? Is this the man I’m supposed to marry?

Thoughts like this make me want to hide or go home or regress to the seventeen-year-old me (seven-year-old works, too). I’m scared, pure and simple. 

Then I remember that fear is pride in disguise. As a child, I trusted that things were going to be okay. Mom and Dad were there when I needed them, even when I did feel like my world was coming to an end. They had this magic ability to fix what was wrong and help me get through just about anything. Now I’m twenty, and they’re still here for me, but I’ve begun to learn what it means to trust my Father. Fear is pride. Pride is saying “I’ve got a better idea, God, ‘cause I’m pretty sure You don’t know what You’re doing.” Pride is taking my eyes of Christ, like Peter. And like Peter, I begin to sink and drown in the worries and fears I was just walking on top of. God is sovereign. His will cannot be thwarted, and nothing I can do will change it. He wants what’s best, and I want to be a part of it. God is in control. Why worry? A disaster in my mind is just the Lord working out His master plan.  

Dear Preacher Boys,

Take this seriously, will you? I’m so tired of coming into class hearing you talk about how you didn’t read or didn’t study. I’m sick of watching you get on Facebook or watch subtitled cartoons on Youtube in class. I will no longer send you my notes or my study guides so you can cram in a little studying between playing video games and running to the nearest fast food joint for a “study break.” 

You’re supposed to be preparing for the ministry. Do you understand that? Ministry. You’re preparing to lead a congregation of God’s people. Let that sink in. You’re going to be responsible for taking care of a church full of seasoned believers, new Christians, unconverted souls, and people who don’t really want to have anything to do with God. If that fact doesn’t sober you, I don’t know what will. Pastors and teachers have an unspeakably important role to play in the life of the church and they will answer for their dedication or lack thereof in the end. 

Take this seriously. If you aren’t committed to learning everything you can about God’s Word and how to study it, please do us all a favor and change your major. This year, I won Blue Mountain’s Ministerial Alumni Bible Award for having the highest academic average in Bible classes. While I am proud of this on a personal level, I wish it had been one of the young men preparing for ministry. As far as I know, a female student has won this award every year I have attended Blue Mountain (with the exception of last year). “Preacher Boys,” you’re supposed to be the leaders. How does asking other students for study guides exemplify leadership?

I know a lot of you are already working in churches or other part- or full-time jobs and you don’t feel you have time to devote to study as much for class, but is that going to be your excuse when you finish undergraduate studies? Seminary is going to be a lot tougher than Blue Mountain. Get serious now and stop wasting time or you won’t know what to do for your seminary professors. When you get a church, what excuses are you going to make for pitiful sermons? You didn’t have time to study? That’s a huge part of your job. You’re supposed to lead the church, disciple believers, equip the saints. If you’re not prepared yourself, how do you expect to feed the Lord’s sheep?

This is not me ranting just to rant. I love you as my brothers in Christ and I want you to become great church leaders and Bible teachers, but you have to put childish practices aside and take your classes seriously. Many don’t have this opportunity, so take advantage of the resources God is graciously giving you and learn to lead your church to the best of your ability. 

In love,

Jessi

@agirlwaiting

Well, aren’t you special, roommate? I prefer the bare-minimum-natural look. =P

@recif-de-corali

I mostly just wondered if he could tell. Ha-ha. But he did ask last night if I was wearing “that eye stuff…with the brush.” Mascara? Yes. 

He's just tryin'a be sweet...

• Matthew: You know I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, right?
• Me: You only tell me all the time. ^_^
• Matthew: And I think you're beautiful when you're just you, without any makeup, right?
• Me: Yes...?
• Matthew: Okay, I just wanted to make sure you know you are beautiful exactly the way God made you.
• Me: ...So do you notice when I'm wearing makeup?
• Matthew: Uh...
• Me: Am I wearing makeup right now?
• Matthew: I can't tell...
• Me: *facepalm*